CHORUS         I've gotta beach in my backyard,
                        Plastic palm tree and a tiki bar.
                        Neon sign says "Landshark Beer"
                        Here in my pseudo-beach atmosphere.
                        May have a far north latitude,
                        … a Margaritaville attitude.
                        Don’t cost much money, don’t have to go far.
                        Yeah, I gotta beach in my backyard.

VERSE            Gotta basketful of coozies for all my friends who come.
                        BYOB, but not your troubles here.
                        TropRock music, sounds of a gentle steel drum
                        Then form a crazy congo line, don’t forget your beer.
                        Wahines in grass skirts, leis and coconut bras.
                        Sam’s ukulele hangin’ on the wall.
                        Phony portholes, hoist the skull and bones.
                        No boat, no dock, no trouble at my inland home.

CHORUS        I gotta beach in my backyard,
                       Plastic palm trees and a tiki bar.
                       Old Buffett tunes, the sound of a blender.
                       Guess you could call me a beach bum pretender.
                       May have a far North latitude.
                       … a Margaritaville attitude.
                       Don’t need much money, don’t have to go far.
                       Yeah, I gotta beach in my backyard.

TAG                Una cerveza, habla espanol aqui.
                        Yeah, I gotta beach in my backyard.

INTRO            We’re spending all our kids’ money.
                        They’re not laughing, but we think it’s funny…

VERSE             Retired.  Bought a Winnebago.
                         Retired.  Goin’ where we wanna go.
                         Retired.  Where it’s never ever ten below.
                         It’s a discount world for me since I joined AARP.

VERSE             Retired.  Walking at the mall.
                        All my friends are dead or going bald.
                        And me, my Doctor he’s on call.
                        I was a corporate leader.
                        Now I’m a Wal Mart greeter.
                        Rehired.

CHORUS         Saw a gorgeous widow cougar
                        Riding on a Vespa scooter
                        With a guy no more than 35.
                        I said, “Are you worried about the difference
                        In your ages?”  She said, “Listen.
                        If he dies, he dies…”

VERSE            Retired.  Those working days are in my past.
                        Retired.  I can finally speak my mind at last.
                        Retired.  I’m drivin’ slow and savin’ gas.

RETARDED TAG    On permanent vacation, golf is my new vocation.
                                I’m retired.

CHORUS        Can’t find my reading glasses.
                        My pants need more elastic.
                        And I can’t hear a damn thing, you know.  (You know.  What?)
                        I put those kids through college.
                        If they’ve got so much knowledge,
                        Why do they keep asking me for dough?  (The answer’s “NO.”)

VERSE            Retired.  I was Captain in the Navy.
                        I used to fly and drive those women crazy.
                        Romance?  No, I haven’t gotten lazy.
                        I’m still at attention,
                        With Cialis intervention
                        Required.

TAG                I’d leave a tip, but did I mention
                       I’m living on a pension and retired.

VERSE            I could make more money if I lived in that big ol' city.
                        If I stayed up there I’d be closer to my folks.
                        But with apologies to Uncle Walt and my Aunt Jenny,
                        I’m here on the beach 'cause it’s better for my soul.

CHORUS         I’m here cause I wanna be.
                        Ain’t nobody making me.
                        I’m here for the sand and the sun.
                        Hangin’ out and having fun.
                        The only thing that’s ever cold
                        Is my blender and the beer I hold.
                        No offense to the family.
                        Don’t worry 'bout my sanity.
                        I’m here cause I wanna be.

VERSE            My buddies thought I lost my doggone mind
                       The day I quit my job and said goodbye.
                       You can punch in and punch out all your life,
                        But you’d better do some living before you punch out that last time.

CHORUS

BRIDGE          My cousin Tommy came here on vacation.
                        Now he understands
                        And he’s going home
                        To turn in his resignation.

CHORUS         We’re here cause we wanna be.
                        Ain’t nobody making you and me.
                        We’re here for the sand and sun.
                        Hanging out and having fun.
                        Where the only thing that’s ever cold
                        Is my blender and the beer I hold.
                        Don’t worry 'bout my sanity.
                        No offense to the family.
                        Lift your glass sing it with me,
                        "I’m here cause I wanna be!"

CHORUS         Hot beer, cold women.
                        Yeah, that’s the kind of day that I’m livin’.
                        Well, it started off bad.
                        Now it’s getting’ worse.
                        If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was cursed.
                        Tall troubles.  Short money.
                        All my drinkin’ buddies think it’s real damn funny.
                        Hot beer and cold woman day.

VERSE            Well, I got to work late.
                        The boss jumped my butt.
                        Said, “Your job’s gonna be a memory.”
                        And when the ice woman speaks,
                        It’s like a blue northern storm.
                        I left work.  Went right to the bar.
                        Called an old girlfriend, but I didn’t get far.
                        Then the bartender says, “Hey, Brent.  Bad news.
                        The beer's kinda warm."

CHORUS

TAG                Some days is good and some days is bad (real damn bad.).
                        Sometimes it’s hot.  Sometimes it’s cold.  Sometimes there’s none
                        to be had.
                        Warm beer’s better than no beer at all, I guess.

CHORUS

TAG                Hot beer and cold woman day.
                        Nuthin’ worse than a cold woman day.

VERSE            Just when you thought life was pretty smooth.
                        You got everything you need,
                        50 inch plasma, six pack in the frig.
                        …It’s pretty much serenity.
                        (Then) along comes this girl you’ve never seen before.
                        She turns your head completely around.
                        Suddenly you realize something is missing.
                        …Maybe it’s been found. 

CHORUS         Love can change your mind,
                        But it’ll leave your brain behind.
                        A part of you knows to run and hide.
                        Your heart ignores all the warning signs.
                        …Love can change your mind. 

VERSE            That lover’s heart you left for dead
                        Now somehow is rapidly beating.
                        There’s no denying red flags are flying,
                        And the situation’s overheating.
                        Part of you knows it’s the danger zone.
                        …You’re gonna be sorry later.
                        Somebody oughta tap the brakes,
                        (But) your foot’s on the accelerator. 

BRIDGE          You promised you’d never do love again.
                        Just too much stuff to go wrong.
                        You know you should stop.  Just say “NO!”
                        (But) a part of you is already gone.

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE            What ever happened to polyester slacks?
                        What ever happened to those old eight tracks?
                        And whatever happened to using good taste?
                        And what the hell happened to Kenny Rogers’ face?

VERSE            What ever happened to those rabbit ears,
                        Harvey Wallbangers and 2 per cent beer?
                        What ever happened to a billion water beds?
                        What the heck happened to Barry Bonds’ head?

BRIDGE          Things that have been here and things that are gone.
                        Some things we don’t miss since we said so long.

VERSE             Explain to me what happened to measles and mumps,
                        Mullets and beehives and two sugar lumps?
                        I don’t miss those leisure suits and all those gold chains.
                        Tell me again who abducted Shirley McLaine’s brain?

(repeat bridge)

VERSE            Pet rocks and Pac Man, Nehi and Tab.
                        Have the loony bins all closed now that there’s rehab?
                        Where’s Michael Jackson’s nose and Ipana toothpaste?
                        And what the heck happened to Kenny Rogers’ face?   
                        Is that really the gambler or a droid in his place?
                        And what the hell happened to Kenny Rogers’ face?

VERSE          We were having drinks down at Lulu’s
                      When a sixty foot boat pulled in.
                      Thong clad girls like you’d expect
                      Decorating the front of his rig.
                      My buddy laughed and said, “He’s makin’ up for
                      Failings of another sort.
                      He’s gotta lotta dough.  The chicks are for show.
                      (The) Long ship means he comes up short!”

CHORUS       (He’s gotta) Big boat…little Johnson
                      Hangin’ on the back of his dinghy.
                      Tryin’ to make everybody think
                      He’s a big stud, but he’s really a dud.
                      The money comes from his pedigree.
                      (The) Ship a small part of his hyperbole.
                      Big boat, little Johnson
                      Hangin’ on the back of his dinghy.

VERSE          To hear him tell it, he’s a self made man.
                      (But) Daddy really gave him the money.
                      Buys his friends like they were going out of style.
                      Hangers on are his only buddies.
                      (He) Thinks he’s got everybody fooled.
                      That he’s macho and masculine.
                      (Yeah) He makes a lot of noise when he comes ashore
                       But his ship really never comes in. 

BRIDGE        If it wasn’t for that little blue pill
                      He’d never get his boat in a slip.
                      (It’s like) He’s shootin’ pool with a rope.
                      Really needs to get a grip.

VERSE        I used to be a lot of fun.
                    If you wanted a laugh, I was the one.
                    Things have changed, all my friends can see.
                    Now the clown I was can't hide the pain in me. 

VERSE         Lost my smile when I lost you.
                    God, where's my heart, have I lost it too?
                    Down where I am, it's hard to face.
                    I can't replace what I threw away. 

CHORUS     I laughed when you left me, took your picture off the wall.
                    Now my life is brighter, and I don't miss you at all.
                    But the image in the mirror doesn't lie.
                    Yeah I laughed when you left me...I laughed until I cried. 

VERSE         It's a funny thing looking back.
                    The things I'd change, if I could change the past.
                    But what's done is done, and will always be.
                    The joker's played, and the joke's on me.

VERSE        Got black and white TV with rabbit ears.
                    My AM radio still plays clear.
                    No GPS to get from here to there.
                    Got my stick shift Chevy.  Love to feel them gears.
                    Pay cash for my cars.  Drink straight Jim Beam.
                    No internet porn, just girlie magazines. 

CHORUS     I’m a low tech guy in a high tech world,
                    Lookin’ for a sweet old fashioned girl.
                    Country fried like Daisy Duke.
                    No drama queens.  I ain’t got no use.
                    If you’re down to earth, I’d like to give it a whirl.
                    I’m a low tech guy in a high tech world.
                    I’m a low tech guy in a high tech world. 

VERSE        Now I ain’t leavin’ the human race.
                    So get that You Tube out of my face.
                    Shop QVC.  Hell, that’s a bore.
                    When I need stuff, I go to a store.
                    No bankin’ online.  No internet date.
                    Keep your virtual world.  I know my place. 

CHORUS 

CHORUS MODIFIED
                    I’m a low tech guy in a high tech world.
                    Lookin’ for a sweet old fashioned girl.
                    Andy and Barney suit me just fine.
                    I’m a low tech guy in a high tech world.
                    I’m a low tech guy in a high tech world.

CHORUS     Stylin’ on the island.
                    It don’t matter what you wear.
                    The people who count don’t care.
                    Gucci or Calvin Klein?
                    T-shirts and cut-offs are fine
                    When you’re stylin’ on the island.

VERSE        He’s sweeping the beach with what looks like a Geiger counter.
                    In plaid shorts with a big beer gut, he’s a 300 pounder.
                    Got his black socks stuffed in his Birkenstocker sandals.
                    Any where else he would be a fashion scandal.

CHORUS

VERSE        She pulled up on that Harley wearing cutoffs and no shoes.
                    Walked in the tiki bar and pulled the scrunchy from her big hairdo.
                    When she leaned over the bar to get a shooter,
                    I saw her slingshot.  The bartender saw her new hooters.
CHORUS

BRIDGE        Let your hair down.  Wear your ball cap backwards if you please.
                      It’s all okay cause there ain’t no fashionista police.

VERSE            A bird on a wire, sailboat on a bay.
                        Serenity eludes me like a missing page.
                        A kite in the air, ballerina on a stage.
                        It’s all about balance.  I see it every day. 

CHORUS        Life is a tightrope.  It’s hard to walk it straight.
                       Too far left and you’ll be right in the wrong place.
                        Now I’m not crazy ‘bout too much sanity
                        So I keep searching for that perfect in between
                        … and it takes balance…balance. 

VERSE            Now my friend John says he envies me.
                       Thinks I got it made, but there’s so much he can’t see.
                        Every day I struggle with how it all should be.
                        Just like a damn good song, gotta find your harmony. 

CHORUS        Life is a tightrope.  It’s hard to walk it straight.
                       Too far right and you’ll be left in the wrong place.
                        Now I’m not crazy ‘bout too much sanity
                        So I keep searching for that perfect in between
                        … and it takes balance…. balance. 

BRIDGE          So you try to walk the line, pass every test
                        From your first baby step to your last dying breath
                        … and it takes balance … balance.

VERSE            A three day get away down in the Florida Keys.
                        This time Duval Street got the best of me.
                        I argued with a cop.  He said I was speedin’.
                        Then I really ran out of luck
                        When my girlfriend leaned over and whispered real loud
                        “He’s stubborn when he’s drunk.” 

CHORUS        I came here on vacation.
                       I’m goin’ home on probation.
                       And the only photographs I got
                       Are the black and white mug shots.
                       But I still love it here.
                       I’ll be back soon.
                       ‘Cause my court date’s in early June.
                       Came her on vacation.
                       Goin’ home on probation. 

VERSE            He was a Cuban cadre so he didn’t like my jokes
                        ‘Bout the Castro brothers or him comin’ her on a boat (Sorry ‘bout that.)
                        He said, “Turn around” and I kept spinnin’
                        ‘Til I got a case of vertigo.
                        My girl started screamin’, kickin’ and swingin’
                        Like a scene from a “Real Cops” show.

CHORUS        She came here on vacation.
                       She’s goin’ home on probation.
                       And the only photographs she got
                       Are the black and white mug shots.
                       But we still love it and we’re goin’ back soon
                       ‘Cause both our court dates are early June.
                       We came her on vacation.
                       We’re goin’ home on probation. 

TAG                This story has no moral.
                        It’s just a little tale.
                        If you’re gonna be a bad boy
                             You might go to jail. 

CHORUS

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